boomers
I work a shitty low level white collar job with a bunch of clueless boomers, not to imply that all boomers are bad, but the specific ones I work with are like a stereotype of an evil weasly little boomer
By nature I am a very hateful person, I don't lash out externally much anymore as I did when I was a teenager. I mostly lash out internally. This is very bad for me in many ways, it never results in any significant alleviation of my symptoms, usually on the contarary it multiplies itself until my neurons burn out too much and give up (prevalent action).
Previously I didn't concern myself too much with the outlook of others because I thought that in some way that I couldn't pinpoint I was different than them (I still think so, but differently, now mostly as a disatvantage). This has become a problem recently. When my internal monologue starts going off uncontrolably on its own, and my cortizol and whatever other poisonos hormones start secreeting into my brain, even my rage, frustration and arrogance starts getting second thoughts.
I've experienced monetary and [reptillian brain looking for success] (undefined) failure, just like these people around me, who am I to put myself into any position where I can hate them without being hypocritical and morally twisted.
They hate me too, more outwardly and vocally then I hate them, something I do seems to be deeply offputting, especially to menopausal women in their 50s. They are sure to let me know this through various passive agressive forms of communication that they are so comfortable with.
When this happens I get angry, I feel it physically crawling down my legs but I swallow it back up most of the time. The issue comes that I can't just purge the emotion or even wallow in it properly, as I see those people in myself, I am just a younger version where I didn't completely give up yet. How would I be if I was a 50 year old with 2 kids working a job like this - I'd be depressed, and pissed, way more than I am now
I enter a state of a perpetual motion machine, where my anger oscillates to sadness and feeling sorry for those people, knowing that I'm just a decade or two behind them, which in turn, osccilates back to rage about what I've allowed happen to my life, and this goes on and on. Reaching the point that it's become a constant.
I have bad ways to control this, I just throw myself into my computer - a perverted reality that gives full control to the user, with setbacks that you can overcome purely with your own grit. It's a bad simulation of the real world where incapability is overarching over the lives of the non-privileged. The computer is addictive to me mainly because of this control it gives you that I'm so desperately lacking in the real world
This is a desparately bad coping system, just like masturbation is a bad coping system, grinding down your brain and getting you addicted to the simulated action that brings a fleeing taste of the same chemical that would get released when actually having sex, or in this case, having control of an element that is paradoxically outside of your control, things like looks, intelligence, status.
I need to somehow accept the fruits that god gave me, even if they might be inadequate. I need to accept that these people are just me teleported a bit to the future, where they just gave up already (or perhaps have never been as introspective to question themselves). When I can learn this fact and truly internalize it, I can finally stop being so filled with hate and meaninglessness that I can actually start enjoying just being.